


A Wedding, or, Why Won't These Fools Just Say They're Gay Already

by Theflannelwizard



Category: Hamlet - All Media Types, Hamlet - Shakespeare, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead - Stoppard
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cute, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Guildenstern is a mopey irritable mess and I love him, I don't know how to use the tagging system yet, Light Angst, M/M, My First Fanfic, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern low-key have a mid-meld, Rosencrantz and Ophelia get married but they're both gay, also trans lesbian Alfred so theres something, at least I thINK its cute, its a little bit angsty maybe but it gets better, please read my fanfic I would appreciate it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 10:45:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16785406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theflannelwizard/pseuds/Theflannelwizard
Summary: Rosencrantz and Ophelia's parents arrange for them to be married after Ophelia and Hamlet break up. It sounds straight but nobody in this fic is straight except maybe Polonius. A bunch of misunderstandings and good intentions with a happy ending.





	A Wedding, or, Why Won't These Fools Just Say They're Gay Already

“Guildenstern.” Rosencrantz’ voice was high and giddy, almost shouting. 

“Hm?” Guildenstern picked his head up and looked at the clock. It was 3 am. He wasn’t surprised. 

“Do you ever think about the etymology of language? Like the word gift here is, y’know, a present. But gift in German means poison. Why did we as a species do that to ourselves?”

“And bless or blessing is a really good thing here, but in French it means cut or wound. I know, Rosey. Go to sleep.” Guildenstern loved when Rosencrantz got deep and philosophical, but he couldn’t stand being woken up at all hours to discuss things that Rosencrantz quickly lost interest in. Rosencrantz was smart and Guildenstern knew it, but his ADHD prevented him from staying on any topic for very long. It was probably for the best, as Guildenstern tended to dwell on things until they drove him mad and he got lost in loops of thought.

Rosencrantz snuggled his head under Guildenstern’s chin and kissed his chest, already falling back asleep, but Guildenstern knew he would be up for at least half an hour listening to his boyfriend- were they boyfriends? He thought so- breathe and trying to convince himself not to think. Rosencrantz was the only thing that kept him sane, he thought, and without him Guildenstern would be entirely alone and a mess of ideas. He fell asleep in 40 minutes and didn’t dream.

***  
Ophelia was surprisingly unbothered after her breakup with Hamlet. Sure, she was a little awkward around him, but she high fived Horatio when she caught him kissing Hamlet in the hall and didn’t cry at all- at least, not in front of anyone. The person who seemed most upset by the breakup was Polonius.

Now, Ophelia,” he sighed at the end of one of his infamous speeches, “What I’m trying to tell you is that we’ve spoken to a kind gentleman, a lord, who has helped me arrange your marriage to his son.”

“WHAT? Dad, I can find my own partner.”

“He’s college educated, kind, no prince but closely tied to him, and able to provide for you.”

“Dad, please, I don’t need-”

“You remember Rosencrantz, don’t you?”

Ophelia didn’t know whether she wanted to laugh or scream.

***

“ENGAGED? Rosey, you’ve got to be kidding me. I thought we were- I mean, I thought you- I thought-”

“You think a lot, Guildenstern. Maybe you should just talk without thinking for once.” Rosencrantz wanted to hear Guildenstern say “I love you” or “please don’t leave me” or even just “no, I won’t allow it,” because if Guildenstern got in the way he could at least delay the wedding. But Guildenstern was too proud and too wrapped up in figuring out exactly how to say what he meant that he was never going to get it out. Rosencrantz was a good boy. He worked very hard to be good and do what was asked of him and never make people sad because making people sad hurt his heart. So when his father had told him to marry Ophelia, he had decided he was going to love her and he was going to be a good husband. He was going to forget about Guildenstern as a lover and just stay his best friend. Rosencrantz didn’t like his plan very much, but it was the best one he could think of.

“Take me with you.” 

“What?”

“When you get married. Take me with you. I don’t know how it’ll work, but I don’t want to lose- I mean, you’re my best friend.”

“Oh. Right. Of course. We’re Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, y’know? We exist as… as a set. You can’t have just Rosencrantz. That would be silly. Right. I’ll take you with me.” Rosencrantz was stumbling over his words with nerves, but the look of relief on Guildenstern’s face convinced him he was doing just fine.

“Good.”

“So you don’t object?” Rosencrantz was prodding now. He wanted Guildenstern to object. He wanted to be needed.

“Why would I object? You love her, don’t you?”

“Of course I do.”

Rosencrantz had never seen a smile so pained, but Guildenstern didn’t cry. His voice didn’t even break. Somehow that hurt more than seeing him break down would have.

***

“So we’re engaged.” Ophelia was still in shock.

“Looks like it. Do you, uh, do you want a ring?” Rosencrantz almost felt guilty asking. He looked down at his ring finger, his stomach tightening at the idea of ever replacing the ring he already wore. It matched Guildenstern’s single earring- not exactly a promise ring, but certainly a promise of some sort.

“If you have one. Otherwise I don’t see why we should bother.”

“Well, because we love each other, right?” Rosencrantz was getting pretty close to convincing himself, and he had successfully convinced not only Polonius and his own parents, but the entire country. Denmark was buzzing with news of how lucky Ophelia was to have found someone so loving and devoted, especially after already having gotten lucky enough to date the prince, and she was starting to believe that maybe he really did care for her. 

“Right. Because we love each other. Maybe you should get a ring.” Ophelia knew she didn’t love Rosencrantz, but she couldn’t bring herself to crush him with rejection. He was just so caring and well-intentioned, and he seemed to be entirely out of place whenever he left Guildenstern’s side. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern had been spending more and more time apart, simply because Rosencrantz ended up spending lots of time alone with Ophelia. Despite all the time Rosencrantz had been devoting to his fiance, he never kissed or touched her. He was gentle with her, though, and his lack of physical affection seemed to be out of respect rather than dislike. Ophelia was decidedly not falling for him, but she was learning to trust him, and despite her general disinterest, she was no longer repulsed by the idea of marrying him. 

“Ophelia? Do you ever think about caterpillars?”

“What? No, I don’t. I think butterflies are pretty, though.”

In the library on the other end of the castle, Guildenstern looked up from his book.

“Yes, actually. The way some of them are all fat and fluffy, almost like mammals, and some are essentially worms. Oh! Did you know that-” Guildenstern fell silent as he realised he was the only one in the room. His chest tightened a little, but he dismissed it as an effect of the musty air.

***  
Five days until the wedding.

Ophelia’s dress had come in, and it was gorgeous. Guildenstern told her this with wide eyes, seemingly stunned that she could be so beautiful. It had a long train and flower petals embroidered in a swirl down the skirt, and Rosencrantz was obviously charmed by it.

“Rosencrantz is going to have the most beautiful wife in the whole world,” he breathed, and he reached out as if to hug Ophelia, but was blocked by her skirt. 

“Where is Rosencrantz, andyway? I haven’t seen a lot of him lately.” Guildenstern tried to sound nonchalant, but Ophelia saw right through him.

“He’s been mostly with me. You really miss him, don’t you?”

“What? Me, miss the man I was so close with that we used to routinely forget which of us was which? No, no, that’s ridiculous. It’s not like I’ve spent every moment with him for the past 20-some years only for him to suddenly lose interest in me because he’s getting married to a girl who he never expressed any interest in until- oh my gosh, I’m sorry. He says he loves you all the time, I don’t mean to imply anything about your marriage. I just… it’s hard.” 

“You’re in love with him.” Ophelia wasn’t asking. She didn’t have to.

“What would it matter if I was? He’s engaged. And I’m far too practical to let myself love anyone I can’t have.”

“You think you’re so logical and level-headed, don’t you? Oh my God! You can’t just stop your emotions, Guildenstern. Time heals all wounds or whatever, but you can’t just stop loving him because it’s inconvenient.”

“And who says I ever loved him at all? He’s- he was- my best friend. And I’m his best man and I support him in everything he does and I’m going to make this the best goddamn wedding in the world. For both of you, but especially for Rosey.” 

“Whatever you say. Is the dress really so wonderful?”

“Yeah. It’s perfect. Rosencrantz will love it.”

“Good, because it cost a fortune and I’m not sending it back.”

***  
Four days until the wedding.

“Guildenstern!” Rosencrantz waved his hands above his head, running toward his friend.

“Yes? Oh! Rosey! What are you up to?” 

“Well, I was hoping we could spend today together, just the two of us,” Rosencrantz said, the brightness fading from his voice to reveal almost lustful undertones. “Just you and me, all day long. Like we always used to,” he murmured, bringing his big blue eyes up to meet Guildenstern’s green ones. Guildenstern wanted nothing more to say yes, but something stopped him. Rosencrantz was about to get married, and Guildenstern was afraid that if he got a chance to say any of the things that had been on his mind lately, either the wedding or their friendship would be ruined. A day alone with Rosencrantz could be the catalyst he was so desperately trying to avoid. If he could just wait until after the wedding it would all be out of his hands, and he could move on. Rosencrantz could settle down with Ophelia and Guildenstern could do his best to just establish his own life, maybe even meet someone who offered him a fraction of what he had found in Rosencrantz.  
But Rosencrantz was so eager, and those big blue eyes, the ones that used to be the first thing Guildenstern saw every morning, were practically begging. 

“Guildenstern? You’re thinking again. Come on, we’re losing our day! I want to find cool bugs and play at questions and-”

“Rosencrantz. I’m sorry-”

“Oh, don’t be sorry. Just-”

“I can’t. I’ve got plans.” Guildenstern did have plans. He had plans to go home and drink until he forgot what it felt like to have to push Rosencrantz away.

“You have plans that are more important than me?” Rosencrantz had never been good at hiding it when he felt let down or confused.

“You have a fiancée. You don’t need me anymore and I think we both know it.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t want you anymore. What happened to take me with you?” Rosencrantz’ voice was hushed and confused, and he pulled his lips   
together in an attempt to hold himself together. 

“Listen, Rosey, I’m just busy. I don’t mean to make you sad. Hey, hey, it’s alright.” Guildenstern knew he couldn’t fix anything. Go with Rosencrantz and he would risk letting something happen between them, and if he had even a taste of Rosencrantz before the wedding, he wouldn’t be able to control himself. It was just too tempting to take Rosencrantz for himself. 

“You love Ophelia, right? You have her. You can go spend some more time with your Ophelia.”

“Of course I love Ophelia. I love her so much. Ophelia. I love Ophelia.” Rosencrantz was trembling, but his voice was void of emotion, as if he was trying to convince himself. If Guildenstern wasn’t so bent on moving on, he would’ve let himself think Rosencrantz didn’t love Ophelia at all.

***  
Three days until the wedding.

Horatio was living his life in a constant state of bliss. Hamlet was proving to be just as excellent of a boyfriend as he had dreamed, and he was in the middle of a really excellent book. But every time he heard about the engagement between Rosencrantz and Ophelia, he felt a little uneasy. Sure, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern had always been pretty exclusively each other’s best friends, but they were also friends of his, and he would not have pegged Rosencrantz as the kind of guy to marry an Ophelia. Quite frankly, he wouldn’t have pegged Rosencrantz as the kind of guy to marry a woman. Or anyone who wasn’t Guildenstern. As a matter of fact, Horatio was incredibly put off to hear that the two apparently had never been in a romantic relationship but were merely very close friends. So when he saw Guildenstern sitting alone in the library, he decided to figure some things out.

“Guildenstern, how are you?”

“Oh. Hello, Horatio. I’m fine, I suppose, just a little... I don’t know. I’ve been overthinking things lately.”

“Somehow I’m not surprised.”

“Oh, shut up, will you? If you don’t have anything to say, just let me suffer in peace.”

“You sound like Hamlet.”

“Never say that again. But, uh, how is he? Was everything okay with, y’know, coming out to his parents? Or, his mother and-”

“It was fine, Guildenstern. We’re thriving, really.”

“Oh. I guess that’s good.”

The two sat in silence for a bit as Horatio tried to figure out the tenderest way to phrase his next question. Just as he thought he had it, Guildenstern spoke again.

“Am I doing the right thing?”

“What do you mean?”

“With Rosencrantz. I’m trying to distance myself from him, and it hurts, but I think he needs the space since he’s going to get married.”

“Is he really the one who needs it?”

“I didn’t ask for a psychoanalysis, Horatio. I do that myself every night. I asked if I’m doing the right thing by giving him space.”

“Do you think I would’ve done the right thing if I had left Hamlet alone so he could be with Ophelia?”

“Well, no, but he didn’t love her. Rosey goes on and on about it, how much he loves Ophelia and how glad he is to have her. Rosey is happy with her.”

“Is he, though?”

“Of course he is. I’ve never seen him lie this convincingly in his life. He always cracks and finds a way to tell me the truth.”

“Ophelia isn’t allowed to call him Rosey.”

“I- what?”

“They were talking the other day and I heard him ask her not to call him Rosey because that’s what you call him. He said it’s special. And then she said she was his fiancée and nothing should be too special for her, just teasing him, and he said that that was.”

“Well of course he did, that’s my name for him.”

“And you really think that he loves her as much as he says he does, but the nickname you gave him is still special for you?”

“Are you trying to imply he loves me?”

“What if I am?” Horatio met Guildenstern’s eyes, but Guildenstern looked away.

“Even if he does, does it really change anything?”

“Of course it does!”

Guildenstern smirked, looking back up.

“Statement, one-love.”

“What?”

“It’s nothing. Never mind.”

Suddenly, something clicked for Guildenstern. Horatio was saying Rosencrantz was faking his love for Ophelia because he loved Guildenstern. And if Rosencrantz still loved Guildenstern…

“I have to get them to cancel the wedding, don’t I?”

“I would if I were you. I know you don’t want to lose him.”

“Statement. Two-love.”

***  
Two days until the wedding.

Rosencrantz really had learned to love Ophelia, just not romantically. She was wonderful for playing chess with, and when he blazed through seven topics of conversation in ten minutes, she didn’t seem to mind. His most recent hyperfixation was botany, and she knew a surprising amount about flowers, even going as far as making flower crowns with him while discussing the meaning of each flower. Daisies for innocence, baby’s breath for eternal love, carnations for regret and because they’re inexpensive. Rosencrantz found himself coming back to that thought often. Daisies for innocence- that was him, he was sure, as Guildenstern had often teased him about his innocence and eager-to-please attitude. Baby’s breath for eternal love- was that him and Ophelia or him and Guildenstern? Maybe it could be both. And carnations for regret. Rosencrantz didn’t like to think about that one. Would he regret marrying Ophelia? Why should he? She was fun and smart and they got along so well- her only fault was not being Guildenstern. And was that really a fault? Guildenstern was moody and didn’t have any emotional intelligence and could get rather impatient. Rosencrantz felt a stab of pain in his chest every time he thought ill of Guildenstern, so he stopped trying to convince himself that Ophelia was better. All he had to do was marry her, and once that was done, he would surely fall in love from the sheer romance of it all. 

Rosencrantz found himself thinking about the wedding often. He would let himself get caught up in imagining how happy Ophelia would be, how happy his parents and Laertes and Polonius would be, how handsome Guildenstern would be in his best man’s suit, how he and Guildenstern would finally be together again after what felt like an eternity of their schedules not matching up, how wonderful it would be to share a dance with Guildenstern, until the wedding he imagined wasn’t his and Ophelia’s but his and Guildenstern’s and he had to force himself to stop imagining.

“Ophelia?” he called, shaking his head to rid it of disloyal thoughts.  
“Ophelia! Do you want to go for a walk or play a game or something? I’m bored and lonely.” Ophelia pretended she didn’t notice how often Rosencrantz had been lonely lately, even when she was sitting right next to him.

***  
One day until the wedding.

Guildenstern liked to pretend he didn’t have emotions, or at least that he didn’t have strong ones. Anyone who saw him bawling his eyes out for nearly the entire day would have laughed at that idea. Guildenstern listened to one song on repeat and cried so hard he could barely breathe, much less sing along. Rosencrantz was getting married, and not to him. Rosencrantz was all grown up and leaving him. And what did Guildenstern have? Nothing. No other friends except Hamlet and Horatio, who barely had time for anyone but each other, and no lover, and insomnia, because he no longer had Rosencrantz’ steady breathing to soothe him when he couldn’t sleep. He felt so lost, like he was standing in the middle of a desert and no matter which dune he climbed, the sun was still in his eyes and there was no water in sight. Around 8pm, when he ran out of tears, Guildenstern decided he had to stop the wedding and he had to have a plan or it wouldn’t work. By 8:15 pm, he had decided that stopping the wedding would be grotesquely selfish and the only way to make himself feel better was to cry some more and chant “Rosencrantz deserves to be happy” over and over. Guildenstern collapsed in bed at 8:30, emotionally exhausted and lulled to sleep by his own chanting. He dreamed that he yelled “Stop the wedding!” as Ophelia walked down the aisle. He dreamed that Rosencrantz kissed him and kissed him and then the dream took a turn that resulted in Guildenstern waking up at 3 am with sticky sheets and a heavy conscience. 

***  
The day of the wedding.

“How do I look?”

Guildenstern caught his breath. Rosencrantz was even more handsome than he ever could have imagined, in a three piece suit with red accents. His red tie and cummerbund pulled everything together. It was simple, but it was quite a change from the dirty clothes he usually wore, and Guildenstern could barely hold back the urge to brush Rosencrantz’ hair off his cheek and lean down to kiss him. 

“You look like a prince, and I mean the especially handsome kind from fairytales.” Guildenstern paused, then added, “Can I ask you one question before you get married?”

“Anything.”

“Were we…” Guildenstern hesitated, unsure of whether he actually wanted to ask this now, right before the wedding.

“Were we what?”

“Were we dating? Before you got engaged. I mean, we slept together, and we kissed, and we cuddled all the time, and we slept together-”

“I know. I remember.” 

Rosencrantz was silent for so long that Guildenstern started to wonder if he’d gotten distracted and forgotten the question, but then those blue eyes looked determinedly up into Guildenstern’s own and Rosencrantz spoke.

“I certainly thought we were. But, y’know. Everyone goes through an experimental phase like that, right?” Rosencrantz’ words were casual, but his eyes screamed “I love you.” Those eyes were desperate.

“Right. Well, for what it’s worth, I thought we were too. And now we’re not. So.”

The two looked away from each other, and Guildenstern almost regretted asking, but knowing that Rosencrantz really had cared for him set something ablaze inside Guildenstern’s heart, and the desperation in those big, deep eyes made something deep inside his soul snap in two.

“Well. We should probably get out there. Thank you, Guildenstern. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I really hope that now that all this wedding planning is over we’ll see more of each other again.”

Guildenstern nodded, but his mind was elsewhere.

***  
The priest didn’t pause for objections, or if he did, Guildenstern’s head was too full of static for him to notice. He stood there, smiling, as Polonius walked Ophelia down the aisle. He stood there, smiling, as the priest droned on and on about how wonderful this marriage was and how long Rosencrantz and Ophelia were going to belong to one another. But something had changed in Guildenstern when he saw the plea in Rosencrantz’ eyes, and he couldn’t just stand there smiling as Rosencrantz promised his life to a wonderful woman he didn’t love.

“I object!” Guildenstern felt the words leave his lips, and he heard his own voice say them, but he had no memory of deciding to open his mouth. 

“I object, your honour.”

The priest blinked, surprised, and Rosencrantz stopped saying his vows mid-sentence.

Guildenstern stepped forward, every inch of his skin buzzing with energy. All eyes were on him, but the only eyes he could focus on were Rosencrantz’, shimmering with something Guildenstern couldn’t quite place. Was that doubt? Fear? Hope?   
Guildenstern reached down and took Rosencrantz’ hand.

“Rosey…” he whispered, his mouth suddenly parched and a barely withheld sob choking him. His rough fingers ran along Rosencrantz’ soft, pink cheek, tucking his red hair back behind his ear.

“Rosey.”

Rosencrantz smiled weakly, squeezed Guildenstern’s hand, and looked up at him, clearly waiting for something Guildenstern couldn’t bring himself to do.  
Guildenstern stepped back into place and let go of Rosencrantz’ hand.

“I’m sorry, I have no idea what just came over me. Please continue.”

Guildenstern liked to pretend he didn’t have emotions. He pretended so well that he didn’t even wince when Rosencrantz said “I do.”

***  
Polonius’ toast took nearly half an hour, and he contradicted himself at every turn, wishing “nothing but love and happiness to you, Ophelia,” and quipping that “And at least if it doesn’t work out, you get the name and the money!” Rosencrantz was almost glad for it, as it allowed him to focus on getting his own thoughts sorted out. He had been so sure Guildenstern had been avoiding him, and he had assumed it was because Guildenstern no longer needed him. But after what had just happened, he started to wonder exactly what was going on. Had Guildenstern actually moved on? He wasn’t convinced anymore. And it didn’t help that, despite how beautiful Ophelia was and how well the whole thing had come together, he knew full well that if Guildenstern had kissed him, he would have kissed back. If Guildenstern had gone through with whatever it was he had started, Rosencrantz would have been right behind him.

Ah well, he thought, it’s too late now. 

He looked at Ophelia and smiled. She smiled back, and her smile looked as tired as Rosencrantz assumed his must.

“And, in conclusion: to my lovely daughter, the bride!”

***  
Polonius had hired a troupe of players to perform at the wedding, and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern shared a knowing glance the minute they came onstage. Ophelia didn’t know them, but she was deeply confused as to why the play they put on was so bloody. This was a wedding; couldn’t they stick to love and rhetoric? It wasn’t until the second act that any of the characters were female, and the small bit that did represent a girl was really crude. Ophelia’s heart went out to the player who had to go onstage in that ugly, ill-fitting dress and just be disrespected for a few scenes before disappearing again. After the curtain dropped, Ophelia snuck backstage to find the young player. Rosencrantz didn’t seem to notice or care. 

“Hey! You in the dress! What’s your name?”

“Me?’ the kid flushed, unused to being sought out after performances.

“Yeah. Hi. I’m Ophelia, I just got married, um, I just wanted to talk.”

“Oh. Hi. I’m Alfred. I play girls because I’m the only girl here, but they-” she gestured vaguely toward her troupe, “well, they aren’t always so good at   
writing women. Or respecting women, especially, um, unconventional women. So, uh, don’t look at me if you’re upset about content.”

“Oh, thank God you understand. I just wanted to..” Ophelia trailed off, realising she didn’t really have much to say aside from expressing the sentiments Alfred had just brought up. “I mean, it’s just awful how they treat us, y’know? I’m not a sex object. I deserve to make my own choices and be given just as much as respect and autonomy as any other person.”

“Yeah. Um, is it safe to assume this was not your wedding as much as your husband’s wedding?”

“Oh.” Ophelia looked down at her dress and grimaced. “No, he’s a good guy. It was set up by our parents. I used to think he was gay for his best man, but   
he keeps talking about how much he loves me and how glad he is to be marrying me, so even if he is gay, I don’t want to let on that I know. He’s a sweetheart, really, and he never takes advantage of me, so it could be worse.”

“Well, you’re very beautiful. I love your dress, and your hair is just gorgeous. He’s really lucky.” Alfred seemed to really mean it, and there was more honesty in her face than Ophelia had seen in Rosencrantz’ in a long time.

***  
Three months after the wedding.

Rosencrantz loved Ophelia. He could say it without feeling even a smidge of guilt, because it was completely true. Rosencrantz loved Ophelia deeply and honestly, the way he loved the starry sky and puppies and giving someone exactly what they wanted for their birthday. It was an incredible feeling, but it wasn’t love in the way people thought he loved Ophelia. 

Ophelia loved Rosencrantz, too. She loved him like she loved Laertes and good coffee and making flower crowns. And Ophelia could tell that Rosencrantz wasn’t in love with her. She believed him when she said he loved her, but she knew he was staying with her out of loyalty and a desire to please, not because he loved her the way a man is supposed to love his wife. And she was falling in love herself, but not with him. Alfred was proving to be one of the nicest, most genuine young women Ophelia had ever met, and they had started having lunches together often. It was the highlight of most of Ophelia’s weeks, but she was starting to feel guilty about it. Rosencrantz was a good friend, but Ophelia wouldn’t consider him her lover, and Alfred seemed to be vying for that position. Last week she and Ophelia had had a very heartfelt conversation about their feelings for each other, and Ophelia didn’t want to have to hide it. She just wasn’t entirely sure how to go about telling Rosencrantz.

“Rosencrantz, dear?”

“Yes, Ophelia?

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Have I ever denied you that?” Rosencrantz smiled, glad at the chance to help.

“Why haven’t we ever had sex?”

“Oh. Is that, um, something you want?” The smile was gone. Rosencrantz was panicking, and he wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding it.

“If it was, would that be a problem?”

“Uhhhhh…. Do I look like I would have a problem with it?”

“Yes, Rosencrantz. Yes you do.”

“Statement! One-love. I’m winning!”

“Rosencrantz. I was just noticing that we’ve never, you know, been together, and that’s something that married couples usually do. I want to know why you’ve never tried to initiate.”

“I respect your autonomy as a woman?” Rosencrantz was floundering, but by God, he was not going to let Ophelia feel unwanted.

“No, Rosey. That’s not why.”

“I told you not to call me that. That’s Guildenstern’s nickname for me. It’s special.”

“And what was the last time you saw him?”

“Three months ago. At our wedding.”

“So why does it still matter that that’s his name for you?”

Ophelia was getting frustrated. Why wouldn’t he just say he was gay?

“Because I love him.” Ah. There it was. Rosencrantz flushed, realising what he had just said. “Wait, I mean, you know, like you love a brother or-”

“Oh, finally,” Ophelia giggled.

“Finally?”

“So you don’t love me! Or at least, not like you’ve been saying you do.”

“What makes you say that? I never-”

“Rosencrantz. Can I tell you a secret?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t love you how I’m supposed to love you either. I married you because I trust you and I wanted to get my dad to shut up.”

“But... if you love another man, why would you marry me?”

Ophelia smiled with so much charm that Rosencrantz almost forgot what he had just asked.

“I’m not in love with a man, Rosencrantz.”

“Oh? Then-”

“Let’s go out to lunch. Invite Guildenstern.”

***  
Guildenstern was incredibly reluctant to join Rosencrantz and Ophelia for lunch. He had just been feeling sad, embarrassed and jealous every time he thought of them, and the thought of sitting through a whole lunch without breaking again and confessing his undying love seemed torturous. But Rosencrantz begged and declared that he had news, so Guildenstern put on his last clean shirt, washed his face, and left the house for the first time in weeks. He had gotten into the habit of wearing Rosencrantz’ undershirts and socks under his clothes, because Rosencrantz didn’t need them anyway and it made Guildenstern feel a little less lonely. It wasn’t until he was at the cafe that he wondered if Rosencrantz might notice and feel uncomfortable with it. 

“Guildenstern! Hey!! We’re over here!” Rosencrantz was beaming, waving both hands over his head so there was no way Guildenstern could miss him. At the table with him sat Ophelia and Alfred, the young player. Guildenstern was surprised and confused to see Alfred again, but he took his seat and accepted an enthusiastic hug from Rosencrantz, trying not to focus on how comforting and warm it felt or how clean Rosencrantz smelled.

“Okay, everyone, I have an announcement to make,” Ophelia declared, puffing herself up. Rosencrantz nodded, the picture of excitement, and gestured at her to continue.

“I’m a lesbian. I like girls. And I think I’m falling for Alfred here.”

Rosencrantz looked very confused for a minute, but before he could say anything, Alfred piped up with “And I am a trans lesbian. So I am also a girl. And I also like girls. Specifically Ophelia.”  
Ophelia beamed as Alfred kissed her hand.

“I hope this doesn’t throw a wrench into your relationship,” she added apologetically, glancing toward Rosencrantz.

“No, no, not at all,” Rosencrantz said, grinning delightedly. “I have an announcement too.” He took a deep breath and shoved his hair back, only for it to fall right into his face again.

“Guildenstern,” he started, his eyes shining brighter than Guildenstern had ever seen them, “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you. Sure, I love Ophelia, but I love her like I would love a sister. You? You’re special. I know you don’t believe in stuff like soulmates, but, well, if I had one, it would definitely be you. And I’ve missed you a lot. Kiss and make up?”

Guildenstern’s head was just as full of static as it had been at the wedding, but this time it was brilliant, beautiful static, and this time the tears he could barely hold back were tears of joy.

“Rosey…” he choked out, nodding. It was the best kiss of Guildenstern’s life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first fanfic ever so any and all comments/feedback would be much appreciated! Thanks so much for reading!!


End file.
